Hey everyone!
So where did I go? Have I given up on Shadow of Doubt?
Not exactly, no. But something has been in the works that has changed the situation a little.
First of all, the Muppets book fell through. The publisher I was dealing with was all for it at first and I had done quite a bit of preliminary research. However, after reading my proposal and some of the sample work I submitted there was some concerns about how Disney might react to this book. Not because it was anti-Disney. My proposal was more about interesting trivia about the Muppets, Jim Henson, and Sesame Street. The problem was more that Disney is very protective of their property. They have to be. They produce a lot of content that is extremely popular with children and adults and if they relax their rules too much then they have to worry about losing copyrights or trademarks due to the massive amount of unauthorized work out there.
In ordinary circumstances this would not be a huge concern. Legally, I can discuss the Muppets and other Disney properties all I want as long as I don't imply an affiliation with them and I make sure that all images I use I have either secured the appropriate permissions for them or they are covered by "fair use." Copyright laws aren't meant to squash reviews or discussions. They are meant to protect both the original artists and the consumers. If you purchase something with the Disney logo you should expect it to be actually made by the company that uses that logo and they should expect that no one else can produce something and claim it is part of the Disney company.
Legally, the book was fine. In fact you can find all sorts of third party books about Disney parks, Disney movies, or other Disney affiliated projects. Disney probably even encourages some of this because it is free promotion for them. So what's the problem?
The problem was that I had the bad luck to pick a publisher who has a rather exclusive arrangement to distribute some of Disney's other media. While, legally, the book shouldn't ruffle any feathers and it probably wouldn't cause any backlash there is always a slight risk that someone at the Disney company might take issue just because they have to defend their properties so much to keep control of them. In which case this publisher might find itself losing this extremely beneficial arrangement they had worked up.
As risks go it was probably very, very slight. But it was a risk and they weren't comfortable taking it. I get it and I can't even feel ill will to either company in this regards. Both companies are just trying to minimize the risks to their own businesses. I can't fault them for that. The publisher invited me to send in another proposal if I still wanted to work with them and, as far as I know, Disney still doesn't know I exist. So, all is well other than a touch of disappointment. No hard feelings or bitterness. I could probably even send the proposal to some other publishers if I was really gung ho about it. But then something else came up.
Back on Reddit I have been working on another story. Why? Well, I responded to another writing prompt and, somehow, this one struck a chord with a particular subreddit. They've asked me to keep writing. How much of a chord? Well, to those who understand Reddit terminology, I will put it this way. If I stop writing right now I will still have enough Reddit Gold to get me through until about the year 2017.
It is very popular. So popular, in fact, that there is a potential project in the sidelines that may result in something very interesting. I won't go into details as I don't know if I am allowed to. But, fingers crossed, this might actually do a lot to get my name out there.
So what about Shadow of Doubt? the masses scream as they tear out their hair.
It's not been abandoned. I want to finish writing this other story so that I can get this other project off the ground. Hopefully then I can get Shadow of Doubt finished and I will have built up enough of a reputation to attract a publisher.
What are we supposed to do in the meantime for our Victorian era Non-Shadow stories?
Man, you people have some really specific tastes.
A Book Born on Reddit
Monday, June 22, 2015
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Shadow of Doubt: Proofreading is officially closed
THE POOL IS CLOSED!
Er . . . what I mean is I have decided to start actually editing the 2nd draft of Shadow of Doubt and, hopefully, get something worth publishing up and at the ready fairly soon. What then?
Well, I found there are a few smaller, independent publishers that have open submissions. I think I might actually try submitting the manuscript to a few of them.
So, if you are one of the original proofreaders, expect to see changes popping up in your wake.
Er . . . what I mean is I have decided to start actually editing the 2nd draft of Shadow of Doubt and, hopefully, get something worth publishing up and at the ready fairly soon. What then?
Well, I found there are a few smaller, independent publishers that have open submissions. I think I might actually try submitting the manuscript to a few of them.
So, if you are one of the original proofreaders, expect to see changes popping up in your wake.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Ring Composition and Muppeting
Interesting observation I just made a little while ago.
I think Jim Henson was fascinated with Ring Composition. I wasn't too familiar with the term before. I had heard about sagas and epic poems working in ring cycles but I didn't think much about it. Then I happened across an essay that popped up on Reddit a few days ago where someone suggested that George Lucas was trying to tie all six Star Wars movies into a ring composition. It just so happened that after I read this I stumbled across A Tale of Sand.
A Tale of Sand was a screenplay that Jim Henson and Jerry Juhl worked on between 1967 and 1974. It was a movie that they tried to shop around Hollywood a few times but no one, apparently, was buying. It's a bit of a departure from what most people associate with Jim Henson. Although when Henson's name pops up most of us think "puppets!" he used puppetry as a vehicle to get into television. He actually wasn't that interested in puppetry - not at first at least - and also worked on several experimental films that don't feature anything in the way of puppetry. Well, not unless you count people wearing gorilla costumes with tutus as puppets. Er, don't ask. The point is A Tale of Sand wasn't a puppet movie. Rather, it was more of a surreal story set in the American Southwest. Not exactly a western. More of a chase movie. What does this have to do with anything? Bear with me.
Although A Tale of Sand would never be made into a movie, it was recently turned into a graphic novel. You can follow the surreal exploits of a man who is never really named as he runs from some unnamed tormenter through the desert on a quest he doesn't understand. Without giving too much away, the end of the story almost completely mirrors the beginning. Huh.
Jim Henson also wrote and directed a short teleplay for NBC's "Experiment in Television." The film was called "The Cube" and while there is another more recent movie with almost the exact same name and a similar setup, Cube only bears a superficial resemblance to Jim Henson's movie. In the later movie, a sci-fi horror movie, several people find themselves trapped in a series of interlocking cubes and try to make sense of the place so they can escape. In Jim Henson's story a man is trapped in a room that people randomly walk in and out of and furniture appears and disappears. It's surreal and it plays heavily on the ideas of illusion versus reality. In the end the man thinks he has escaped only to end up back in the cube. Back where he started the story. Trapped in the cube and no idea how he got there or what is going on.
That's two instances that I know of. Can I find more? Yes. Another experimental movie of his, one that was nominated for an Academy Award in fact, was called Time Piece. In it a man starts out in a hospital bed and is examined by a doctor. His heart beat is heard beating in a rhythmic drum like fashion and his eye blinks sound like mechanical shutters. Then it begins flashing through a series of rapid fire images which use a lot of match cut imagery. The man, played by Jim Henson, walking along in time to a steady drum beat. A cut to him walking somewhere else still at that same pace. Or eating in a fine dining restaurant cut to a him in the same position eating while dressed in a medieval costume. Cut to him doing the same dressed as a caveman. Throughout there are no words save for four times when Henson says "Help!" The short seems to repeat itself and suggests a struggle to deal with the marching of time and with the pace of modern life. In the end it ends back up at the hospital bed where the man has apparently died and the doctor, now played by Henson, winks.
That's three.
This is getting eerie.
So do I think this is deliberate? Was he exploring ring structure and was it actually showing up in some of his works? I think there is a strong possibility. Why? Well, here are my thoughts.
For one thing Henson and George Lucas seem to be more than just passably acquainted. Besides creating a puppet for Star Wars, the entire Star Wars cast actually showed up on the set of The Muppet Show for one episode. There were a few playful parodies of Muppets and Star Wars in Muppet Magazine and, oh yeah, George Lucas was involved in the movie Labyrinth. He was executive producer. In that movie we start out with a rather immature teenage girl who is almost obsessed with a fantasy story. The movie starts out with her pretending to go to the goblin kingdom to rescue a child. Then we have her in her bedroom staring in a mirror and the movie ends with her staring into a mirror telling these fantasy creatures that she still needs them and she doesn't know why.
It's not a perfect ring, but it's really close.
So what's going on here? Well, Lucas fully credits Joseph Campbell as an influence on the Star Wars movies. Lucas very deliberately called upon some of Campbell's ideas about the structure and themes of a myth. Likewise it is easy enough to see that Jim Henson was fascinated with classic folklore and stories. In fact, he created an entire series around it called The Storyteller. In it an old man recites classic stories to his dog (the old man is played by John Hurt and the dog is voiced by Brian Henson, incidentally) while a mixture of live action and puppets play out the story around them and in cut scenes with the storyteller narrating over the action. Some of Henson's early projects, successful and failed, involved attempts to create movies or shows based around fairy tales.
So, I think it's reasonable to assume that Henson was at least familiar with this ancient style of storytelling. He may have even tried experimenting with it in a modern format. Does it signify anything important? No, probably not. I'm certainly not suggesting Jim Henson was engaging in high art or that the Muppets are a great literary achievement. It's just interesting to realize that Henson was possibly influenced by more than just the imagery and characters in ancient stories and loved the structure of them as well. Maybe that's part of what made Henson successful. He understood the power of a good story and its ability to resonate across the ages.
I think Jim Henson was fascinated with Ring Composition. I wasn't too familiar with the term before. I had heard about sagas and epic poems working in ring cycles but I didn't think much about it. Then I happened across an essay that popped up on Reddit a few days ago where someone suggested that George Lucas was trying to tie all six Star Wars movies into a ring composition. It just so happened that after I read this I stumbled across A Tale of Sand.
A Tale of Sand was a screenplay that Jim Henson and Jerry Juhl worked on between 1967 and 1974. It was a movie that they tried to shop around Hollywood a few times but no one, apparently, was buying. It's a bit of a departure from what most people associate with Jim Henson. Although when Henson's name pops up most of us think "puppets!" he used puppetry as a vehicle to get into television. He actually wasn't that interested in puppetry - not at first at least - and also worked on several experimental films that don't feature anything in the way of puppetry. Well, not unless you count people wearing gorilla costumes with tutus as puppets. Er, don't ask. The point is A Tale of Sand wasn't a puppet movie. Rather, it was more of a surreal story set in the American Southwest. Not exactly a western. More of a chase movie. What does this have to do with anything? Bear with me.
Although A Tale of Sand would never be made into a movie, it was recently turned into a graphic novel. You can follow the surreal exploits of a man who is never really named as he runs from some unnamed tormenter through the desert on a quest he doesn't understand. Without giving too much away, the end of the story almost completely mirrors the beginning. Huh.
Jim Henson also wrote and directed a short teleplay for NBC's "Experiment in Television." The film was called "The Cube" and while there is another more recent movie with almost the exact same name and a similar setup, Cube only bears a superficial resemblance to Jim Henson's movie. In the later movie, a sci-fi horror movie, several people find themselves trapped in a series of interlocking cubes and try to make sense of the place so they can escape. In Jim Henson's story a man is trapped in a room that people randomly walk in and out of and furniture appears and disappears. It's surreal and it plays heavily on the ideas of illusion versus reality. In the end the man thinks he has escaped only to end up back in the cube. Back where he started the story. Trapped in the cube and no idea how he got there or what is going on.
That's two instances that I know of. Can I find more? Yes. Another experimental movie of his, one that was nominated for an Academy Award in fact, was called Time Piece. In it a man starts out in a hospital bed and is examined by a doctor. His heart beat is heard beating in a rhythmic drum like fashion and his eye blinks sound like mechanical shutters. Then it begins flashing through a series of rapid fire images which use a lot of match cut imagery. The man, played by Jim Henson, walking along in time to a steady drum beat. A cut to him walking somewhere else still at that same pace. Or eating in a fine dining restaurant cut to a him in the same position eating while dressed in a medieval costume. Cut to him doing the same dressed as a caveman. Throughout there are no words save for four times when Henson says "Help!" The short seems to repeat itself and suggests a struggle to deal with the marching of time and with the pace of modern life. In the end it ends back up at the hospital bed where the man has apparently died and the doctor, now played by Henson, winks.
That's three.
This is getting eerie.
So do I think this is deliberate? Was he exploring ring structure and was it actually showing up in some of his works? I think there is a strong possibility. Why? Well, here are my thoughts.
For one thing Henson and George Lucas seem to be more than just passably acquainted. Besides creating a puppet for Star Wars, the entire Star Wars cast actually showed up on the set of The Muppet Show for one episode. There were a few playful parodies of Muppets and Star Wars in Muppet Magazine and, oh yeah, George Lucas was involved in the movie Labyrinth. He was executive producer. In that movie we start out with a rather immature teenage girl who is almost obsessed with a fantasy story. The movie starts out with her pretending to go to the goblin kingdom to rescue a child. Then we have her in her bedroom staring in a mirror and the movie ends with her staring into a mirror telling these fantasy creatures that she still needs them and she doesn't know why.
It's not a perfect ring, but it's really close.
So what's going on here? Well, Lucas fully credits Joseph Campbell as an influence on the Star Wars movies. Lucas very deliberately called upon some of Campbell's ideas about the structure and themes of a myth. Likewise it is easy enough to see that Jim Henson was fascinated with classic folklore and stories. In fact, he created an entire series around it called The Storyteller. In it an old man recites classic stories to his dog (the old man is played by John Hurt and the dog is voiced by Brian Henson, incidentally) while a mixture of live action and puppets play out the story around them and in cut scenes with the storyteller narrating over the action. Some of Henson's early projects, successful and failed, involved attempts to create movies or shows based around fairy tales.
So, I think it's reasonable to assume that Henson was at least familiar with this ancient style of storytelling. He may have even tried experimenting with it in a modern format. Does it signify anything important? No, probably not. I'm certainly not suggesting Jim Henson was engaging in high art or that the Muppets are a great literary achievement. It's just interesting to realize that Henson was possibly influenced by more than just the imagery and characters in ancient stories and loved the structure of them as well. Maybe that's part of what made Henson successful. He understood the power of a good story and its ability to resonate across the ages.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
This is a shot in the dark, I know
Hey everyone!
Well, my little minions have been hard at work editing so the 2nd draft should start up fairly soon. I'm going to try to rush though that in the next few days because I may have found an in, of sorts, into the publishing world. But to use it this particular novel will have to be put on hold for up to a year. What madness is this? Er, well . . .
Here's the situation. If anyone of you have ever done any research on how to get published if you are a first time author, the standard answer is "a lot of hard work and even more dumb luck." Publishers don't like working with first timers. Why? Because it takes a lot of time and money to publish a book. They are investing a lot into it and if they aren't guaranteed a return they don't want to bother. They prefer working with established authors because if you actually successfully had one book published odds are fairly good you can do it again. It's not a surefire bet, but the odds favor backing someone with a touch of experience.
Truthfully, I can't really blame publishers there. But it sets up a near impossible hurdle for people who have never been published before. Breaking into the industry is hard. Previously I had toyed with the idea of finding smaller independent magazines that wouldn't mind publishing an unknown and unrepresented author. Many of these are entirely web based and can't even pay their authors. They also tend to go under fairly quickly as authors use them like I intended to. A way to get a toe in the door and then they never return. Some of these sites, in fact, I am almost convinced were set up by the wannabe author him or herself in a roundabout way of forcing their way in the door. Nice idea if you can pull it off and you don't get caught. I can't do either, unfortunately. However, I may have found a different approach.
One of my friends is an author who has published several books with a smaller publisher who specializes in non fiction books. They don't mind at all dealing with unknown authors as long as they present a proposal that sounds good to them. Since my friend is one of their established authors who has written (and is still writing) multiple books for them they sent him a "dream list" of topics they would like for someone to cover. Just seeing if any of them strike his interest. One of these topics he recognized as one I know way too much about. What topic you may ask? Um. The Muppets.
How in the world does a full grown man know so much about The Muppets? I blame relaxed standards on the entrance exam for adulthood. Plus, you know, I happened to grow up on the shows and they seemed to grow up with me. When I was a kid The Muppet Show was still in syndication and I loved it. The Muppet movies were targeted at my age bracket. I was a touch too old for Muppet Babies, but I was aware of the show. By the time I started getting older and moving away from cartoons, The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth came out (or at least were available in the fledgling video rental market). When I was older still The Jim Henson Hour came out which seemed to be targeted at an older and more mature audience than the original Muppets. Fraggle Rock, Muppets Tonight, Dinsosaurs, and even Farscape. Jim Henson's Creature Shop seems to have been an influence on some of my favorite shows.
If my proposal is accepted (big if) the publisher will most likely give me a year or so to write the book. That's a year to research information, write it up, and obtain any photographs or other media that I intend to include. That's a lot of work and I already see one glaring problem.
I have next to no significant social connections.
As I mentioned before, I'm an introvert. I don't make friends very easily because friends expect you to talk to them, to be social, or, you know, not treat them like an annoying sack of meat that is ruining your day just by being there. While there are certain advantages to having a complete lack of charisma (I no longer have to maintain any sense of personal grooming, for example) it does tend to hurt if you want to get any bit of insider information that many people aren't aware of. I also have a habit of ditching things that I haven't used for awhile so any Muppet themed childhood memorabilia that I may have once owned has long since become public property at the bottom of some trash heap somewhere. Let's face it. Other than an obsession with trivia, I'm just marginally qualified.
Which is why I am going to see if anyone who happens across this blog, who are all (presumably) more functional human being than I could aspire to, and see if anyone out there might have something to contribute to the cause. Do you or someone you know own a large stack of Muppets themed posters, toys, or clothing? Please let me know. Send photos if you can and mention if I have your permission to use them. Can you put me in touch with someone who knows a thing or two about the show or the people behind it? Did your best friend get into a drunken fight with Frank Oz? Were you dumpster diving in the back lot only to be chased off by an angry Jason Segel? Let me know. I'm reaching here, people, and I'm desperate.
If you have any resources or suggestions you want to offer, you can contact me at my reddit account, which is /u/semiloki, or you can email me at semiloki@hushmail.com. If I reply to you from a different email address don't be alarmed. I just don't publish my primary email address out there where spambots can easily find it. The nice thing about hushmail is that if I stop using the address for a few weeks it is deactivated. A nice way to deal with spam harvesters if you ask me.
Anyway, any help at all would be appreciated. I've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in. But, until I hear back from the publisher with a yea or nay about my proposal, I'll still work on Shadow Of Doubt. If it turns out it has to go on hiatus for a year I'll probably make a version of the novel available for download for people who don't want to wait for the final version.
Hope to hear from someone. Back later with updates as soon as I have any.
Well, my little minions have been hard at work editing so the 2nd draft should start up fairly soon. I'm going to try to rush though that in the next few days because I may have found an in, of sorts, into the publishing world. But to use it this particular novel will have to be put on hold for up to a year. What madness is this? Er, well . . .
Here's the situation. If anyone of you have ever done any research on how to get published if you are a first time author, the standard answer is "a lot of hard work and even more dumb luck." Publishers don't like working with first timers. Why? Because it takes a lot of time and money to publish a book. They are investing a lot into it and if they aren't guaranteed a return they don't want to bother. They prefer working with established authors because if you actually successfully had one book published odds are fairly good you can do it again. It's not a surefire bet, but the odds favor backing someone with a touch of experience.
Truthfully, I can't really blame publishers there. But it sets up a near impossible hurdle for people who have never been published before. Breaking into the industry is hard. Previously I had toyed with the idea of finding smaller independent magazines that wouldn't mind publishing an unknown and unrepresented author. Many of these are entirely web based and can't even pay their authors. They also tend to go under fairly quickly as authors use them like I intended to. A way to get a toe in the door and then they never return. Some of these sites, in fact, I am almost convinced were set up by the wannabe author him or herself in a roundabout way of forcing their way in the door. Nice idea if you can pull it off and you don't get caught. I can't do either, unfortunately. However, I may have found a different approach.
One of my friends is an author who has published several books with a smaller publisher who specializes in non fiction books. They don't mind at all dealing with unknown authors as long as they present a proposal that sounds good to them. Since my friend is one of their established authors who has written (and is still writing) multiple books for them they sent him a "dream list" of topics they would like for someone to cover. Just seeing if any of them strike his interest. One of these topics he recognized as one I know way too much about. What topic you may ask? Um. The Muppets.
How in the world does a full grown man know so much about The Muppets? I blame relaxed standards on the entrance exam for adulthood. Plus, you know, I happened to grow up on the shows and they seemed to grow up with me. When I was a kid The Muppet Show was still in syndication and I loved it. The Muppet movies were targeted at my age bracket. I was a touch too old for Muppet Babies, but I was aware of the show. By the time I started getting older and moving away from cartoons, The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth came out (or at least were available in the fledgling video rental market). When I was older still The Jim Henson Hour came out which seemed to be targeted at an older and more mature audience than the original Muppets. Fraggle Rock, Muppets Tonight, Dinsosaurs, and even Farscape. Jim Henson's Creature Shop seems to have been an influence on some of my favorite shows.
If my proposal is accepted (big if) the publisher will most likely give me a year or so to write the book. That's a year to research information, write it up, and obtain any photographs or other media that I intend to include. That's a lot of work and I already see one glaring problem.
I have next to no significant social connections.
As I mentioned before, I'm an introvert. I don't make friends very easily because friends expect you to talk to them, to be social, or, you know, not treat them like an annoying sack of meat that is ruining your day just by being there. While there are certain advantages to having a complete lack of charisma (I no longer have to maintain any sense of personal grooming, for example) it does tend to hurt if you want to get any bit of insider information that many people aren't aware of. I also have a habit of ditching things that I haven't used for awhile so any Muppet themed childhood memorabilia that I may have once owned has long since become public property at the bottom of some trash heap somewhere. Let's face it. Other than an obsession with trivia, I'm just marginally qualified.
Which is why I am going to see if anyone who happens across this blog, who are all (presumably) more functional human being than I could aspire to, and see if anyone out there might have something to contribute to the cause. Do you or someone you know own a large stack of Muppets themed posters, toys, or clothing? Please let me know. Send photos if you can and mention if I have your permission to use them. Can you put me in touch with someone who knows a thing or two about the show or the people behind it? Did your best friend get into a drunken fight with Frank Oz? Were you dumpster diving in the back lot only to be chased off by an angry Jason Segel? Let me know. I'm reaching here, people, and I'm desperate.
If you have any resources or suggestions you want to offer, you can contact me at my reddit account, which is /u/semiloki, or you can email me at semiloki@hushmail.com. If I reply to you from a different email address don't be alarmed. I just don't publish my primary email address out there where spambots can easily find it. The nice thing about hushmail is that if I stop using the address for a few weeks it is deactivated. A nice way to deal with spam harvesters if you ask me.
Anyway, any help at all would be appreciated. I've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in. But, until I hear back from the publisher with a yea or nay about my proposal, I'll still work on Shadow Of Doubt. If it turns out it has to go on hiatus for a year I'll probably make a version of the novel available for download for people who don't want to wait for the final version.
Hope to hear from someone. Back later with updates as soon as I have any.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Well, may as well mention this while it is still available
I haven't mentioned this before because I really didn't want to DOX myself. However, the proofreader armada seems to almost be done looking over the novel I just wrote so I guess enough of you know my name anyway that it doesn't matter.
Here's the thing, I actually published a book once before. Well, sort of. It's self published as an Amazon eBook. I mostly did it so that I could get past the mental block that I could publish a book.
Anyway, I may have to unpublish it if I try to sell this current novel to a traditional publisher. Some literary agents get a little weird about self published authors. As such, in preparation for the fact that it may not be there for very much longer, you can find my other book on Amazon here. I'll warn you now, though, there is a lot of foul language in it.
For right now you can buy it for $0.99. Too much for you? Man, you people are rough. Fine. Wait until Monday. From Monday 2/9 until Friday 2/13 the book will be offered as a free download. Tell your friend. Give it to your dog to chew (assuming you hate your Kindle). Whatever. Free for five days next week. Then back to the extortionist price of $0.99.
Here's the thing, I actually published a book once before. Well, sort of. It's self published as an Amazon eBook. I mostly did it so that I could get past the mental block that I could publish a book.
Anyway, I may have to unpublish it if I try to sell this current novel to a traditional publisher. Some literary agents get a little weird about self published authors. As such, in preparation for the fact that it may not be there for very much longer, you can find my other book on Amazon here. I'll warn you now, though, there is a lot of foul language in it.
For right now you can buy it for $0.99. Too much for you? Man, you people are rough. Fine. Wait until Monday. From Monday 2/9 until Friday 2/13 the book will be offered as a free download. Tell your friend. Give it to your dog to chew (assuming you hate your Kindle). Whatever. Free for five days next week. Then back to the extortionist price of $0.99.
Monday, January 26, 2015
What life is like when your brain actively hates you
People have commented before that I am a pretty creative sort of person. If oddball ideas are what you are looking for, I am the guy you go to. I can usually figure out oblique angles to attack a problem or interesting ways to apply a more traditional approach. That's not to say that all my ideas are good ones. Most are not. But if you are just looking for a different approach? I'm your man. A friend of mine (in jest, in case the FBI are monitoring this) made a passing remark about Fort Knox. I described some of the security measures around the place and what you would need to bypass them. Keep in mind I was only talking about the measures they publicly admit to. I'm sure there are other countermeasures in place I don't know about. But she laughed and said "You seem to have put a lot of thought into how to rob Fort Knox." I really hadn't but on the spur of the moment I said "That's because I believe in being prepared. If tomorrow a race of advanced alien invaders land and threaten to enslave humanity but we discover their only weakness is a deathly allergy to gold, that is not the time to start improvising. Have a plan in place before they attack!"
She decided I was insane. Probably a safe bet. Okay, it is definitely a safe bet. But what she doesn't understand is the reason behind the off the wall thinking. See, I found out the reason years ago. My brain actively hates my guts. In fact, it delights in screwing me over and seeing if it can mess with me. Think I'm paranoid? Observe!
Let's set the Wayback Machine for, well, longer ago than I'd like to admit. But I will admit I was in college at the time. Let's also observe I am taking an advanced level chemistry class and I am struggling with my homework.
The assignment was fairly straightforward on the surface. We were given the length of one side of a hypothetical crystal. From that we were supposed to deduce the size of an atom. That's not nearly as bad as it sounds, really. If you were given, for example, a crystal that was X in length and you were told the crystal was a straight line made of 3 atoms then you can guess the size of each atom is X/3 in diameter. Easy peasy, right? Well, that was until we started getting into three dimensional shapes and we started to have to apply geometry to find a spot where the atoms lined up in a row.
I got through all of them and got stuck on the last problem. That one had me stumped because the shape of the crystal put one atom in the very center all by itself. I had to figure out the length of a diagonal going through the middle. How was I supposed to do that? After staring at it for half an hour, trying a few calculations that went nowhere, I called a classmate for help.
This woman was a chemistry major. She was also an exchange student. She was originally from Venezuela and her command of the English language was only so-so at the time.
Okay, this is starting to sound like the setup for a movie with a bow chicka bow wow soundtrack. So, yes, I will admit she was cute. However, having said that, I am most certainly not. We were mostly friends because by random chance alone we ended up being two of the same classes. Plus she needed someone to practice English on and I would clearly enunciate what I was saying and I spoke in something closer to the formal English that she was learning in her ESL classes. So, sorry to disappoint, but that is not the direction this story is taking. In fact, you really should have been paying attention to the part that this was an advanced level chemistry class and that she was in it with me. She's learning this and coming in at or near the top of the class and this isn't even in her native language. I was calling her because she was that smart, okay? If she couldn't help I was sunk.
So, I called her up and had the following exchange with her.
"Hey!" I greeted, "I was just doing tonight's assignment and I got stuck on the last one. Do you have any idea how to do that one?"
"No," she said in moderately accented English, "I do not. I am stuck on this problem too. Do you know how to solve this?"
Now this was ridiculous. I just called her to get the answer, right? Why would I call her up and ask her for help if I knew it all along? I was just getting ready to tell her how absurd this was but this is what I actually said.
"Take the side that we have been given. Apply a Pythagorean Theorem to it by squaring it and doubling it. This will provide you the square of the diagonal on one face of the crystal. By taking this and the square of the known side we can apply the theorem again to find the square of the diagonal through the center. Take the square root and divide by the atoms that should form the line."
"What?" she squealed, "You are a genius! Oh! I see it now! You are a genius! A genius!"
She hung up on me a moment later, still giddy with excitement, while I was simply dumbstruck with the realization that I had asked my own brain for the answer for half an hour and it drew a blank. However, a cute girl asks the same question and suddenly I see the answer written in 100 foot tall letters of fire across the sky.
You won't do it for my benefit but you will for hers? I asked my brain. You really hate me that much?
Silence was its own answer.
Time and time again I've had this sort of situation come up. I'm a natural klutz. I'm constantly tripping over my own feet and any time I do a household repair the job isn't done unless I've cut myself at least once. I could cut my hand on a banana peel. I'm all thumbs . . . as long as it is for my own benefit. If I get nothing out of it at all suddenly I am coordinated. I don't mean I can only dance when the hottie is watching. No, that would benefit me. I can never dance well. I mean things like someone asked me to hang a portrait perfectly straight in her office even though I didn't have a level. I did it. I tried to put up shelves in my own house with a level and they came out crooked.
I've had people tell me time and time again "I would never have thought of doing it that way!" The sad thing is, I wouldn't have either on my own. Someone has to ask me to solve the problem for them before I can do it most of the time.
My brain hates me. It floods me with useless information and ideas that serve no purpose but to distract me. I'll find myself looking at a building and wondering how many monkeys it would take to lift the stupid thing. I've wondered about the best way to clear snow off a driveway using lithium. Worse yet, I've even tried to figure out how to manage the logistics of using a roller coaster as a method of mass transit. Normal people don't think this way. They realize it is a stupid idea and stop thinking about it. I try. I really try. But an hour later I'll find myself thinking "you know, if you uncoupled the cars and had a computer switch the tracks you could have the people in the front cars stop at the station and the people in the rear cars go to the next hill. That way all you have to do is sit in the appropriate car and wait for the ride to stop to reach your destination."
Which is why I say it hates me. It torments me with stupid thoughts. Unless someone asks me to do something useful. Particularly, it would seem, if that someone is female and my brain thinks it can impress her. Like it might get adopted by her. Like a pet. Put it on a leash and take it for walks.
You know, brain, that girl you tried to impress started dating the TA before the school year was even over. Maybe you should give up and actually help the guy with the body that is keeping you alive. What say you? Huh? Think you can do that?
I wonder what would happen if we poured $473 boxes worth of Jello into a fountain?
Right. I hate you right back, brain.
Friday, January 23, 2015
This is not a joke
I have a TomTom GPS system that came with free lifetime map updates. I hooked it up to the computer today because I have been getting warnings the maps are out of date. According to my account with TomTom my lifetime subscription has expired . . . after less than 2 years.
Okay, does anyone else have a problem with taking driving directions from people who seem to be genuinely surprised to find out I am still alive after two years?
Okay, does anyone else have a problem with taking driving directions from people who seem to be genuinely surprised to find out I am still alive after two years?
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